Current Weight --- 105 pounds.


Today was the worst day ever.
Actually, it was wonderful in many ways,
but the hours concerning my eating disorder, were not good at all.
For the past week I have not been eating much, and as we all know, after starving for a few days, you start to feel a little sick.
Well today, I was beyond a little sick.
During lunch, I decided that I was going to eat a banana because it felt like I was about to pass out, so I tried eating it, but I couldn't swallow.
It felt like I was going to puke every time that I tried.
After this, my stomach began to hurt... badly.
It felt like my stomach was bleeding, which is basically the worst feeling ever.
But also, it felt like I was about to have a heart attack.
It felt like someone was pinching my heart, it felt like I was about to die.
So I went to the nurse's office and stayed there for three hours.
The nurse considered sending me to the hospital, but she couldn't get a hold of my mother.
According to everyone, I looked very sickly.
And somehow... deadly.

I am strongly considering recovery.
If I have to deal with this situation again, I think that I actually mightl die.

&& that smile is fake, those tears are real, and to her nothing would taste as good as skinny would feel
<3

Nothing could ever be better than being skinny... nothing. This feeling sucks. I wish I didn't have to go through with this, I'm not proud of this, I'm not!!!

I HATE anorexia! I fucking hate it!

Why can't I get rid of it... why can't I tell someone? I want to tell someone. I have to tell someone how I feel, I have to... But if I do I'll be forced to eat more and then I'll look even worse.

Current weight: 107
Height: 5'8"

What the fuck... that's the highest weight since August. I was down to 99, NINETY NINE. I just have to fuck up everything...

God this is so pathetic, I hate it, I hate everything. I wish I could just die. I've actually thought about cutting again... isn't that just fantastic!

Fast... next three days.  

Five random facts about me (because o0Alanna0o told me to)

1.) I never end phone calls. The other person always has to hang up first.
2.) I love the color black.
3.) I want to be a model. obvious.
4.) I have 200 minutes left on my cell phone. I must use them all by October 31 or else I will have wasted money.
5.) My second and third toes are longer than the first. Quite weird... I know.

I'll probably fast today. I am going to be alone for the next nine hours which sucks badly. I want to finish my homework but I'll probably sleep for a few hours. I need someone to watch me or else I'll never get my homework done. Damn it...

I hate life...

Spent the day with three of my friends. Went to Wendy's and then we went bowling. One of the best days I've had in awhile. I'm glad I went...

Intake-
Breakfast - one bowl cereal
Lunch - one and a half fries
Dinner - resisted pizza... jello - 10 calories

Tomorrow's intake - one bowl of cereal and that is all.

Me and my mom are going grocery shopping tomorrow after volleyball practice. Yay!

Grocery list:
cranberry juice - each bottle 36 calories
sugar-free jello - each cup 10 calories
some type of low-calorie bread - 60-70 calories a slice

After I finish the two boxes of cereal that I have... I will limit my calories to 300 a day. I'm poor so I don't like wasting food. These are my last two boxes of cereal for the rest of the year! I swear. I'm getting sick of milk anyway.

Tired....